Monday, 18 September 2017

Disappointment: My heart hurts

Tonight is one of those nights where I am weary, and a little bit broken. I have had a long few months of juggling kids, family, finances, work, friends and not much fun.
Last month my husband went off to participate in a competition that we were hoping would be the start of a new season of our lives and one we have put off for a long time.
There was prophetic words, there was financial blessing. There was a HUGE opportunity and then. NOTHING.

I have been training. Cleaning and de-cluttering and preparing in every way imaginable to try and prepare for this season. We have halved the number of our belongings in case God opens up an opportunity for us to pick up and go somewhere else. I am even doing a course in discipleship so I am ready, come what may.

But - I have got nothing. For over a year, probably close to 2, I have been keenly aware that we have had little direction. For over 4 years we have had little hope. For most of that time we have been floating almost alone in a sea of child rearing and trying to keep our heads above water in every way.

We went on an across Australia trip this time last year. It was a way to have a holiday on the way to a friend's wedding. It was great. We were SO blessed with provision for that trip too. We were covered. But I was also hoping that through all that time spent sitting in a car, and all the stops we made in all the different places, that somewhere along the way, we might stumble upon our divine purpose and place where we were meant to be. A place to call home and a people to love and care for.

Perth has been great for us, but I am also ready for something outside of the 4 walls that are the South-East Metropolitan area. It is like the Shire, once you are here, you never leave. But we don't have nice beaches and a thriving real estate market. We have hard work and snakes.
I am tired and I have my well-earned 7 year itch. I know, I am sounding like a pathetic millenial whinger. Like I get to dictate what direction my life goes in, right!?

I have heard all these prophetic words for people, and I hear how God SO has a place carved out for each one of us. I hear how once you hit that vein of life, you are set! Filled up, inspired, and you are replenished with everything you give out. While I feel much more filled, cared for and loved than I did last year, I still find myself in this place. Physically and emotionally. What am I doing here?

I know that we can never underestimate the small differences we make in the people's lives around us, but some days I wish I was just living for me. Able to just pack a bag and jump on a plane, and go take that internship with Williams F1 team that I saw advertised on LinkedIN today. But then I think... I have 3 little people I am trying to raise to be amazing world changers. And while you won't see the fruit of all that for a few years, it is still my current, all consumming project.

So then I try to find my husband something that he can not only dream, but something that he can grab onto and go do. Top of the list, of course, is to be a professional racing car driver. Something I know he is more than capable of, as proven last month. But if God knows best and he is always looking out for our best interests, I know that he is doing something there that I can't see. He always is. But I hate the waiting. So I browse. I try to make new dreams, even if the old ones aren't finished being cooked yet.

I am like the girl who puts a mug cake in the microwave, but then halfway through the 3 minute cooking time, I grab a museli bar and start having a munch because I can't wait and I want to see what it is like. But everything I find is no good... or worse, I find nothing. I literally have like ZERO dreams right now. Maybe it is because I have been burned, and I am tired from the defeats I feel that I have sustained of late. But having no vision sucks also. It literally says in the bible:
Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.. Proverbs 29:18
 I know that this verse doesn't mean that if we don't have some big vision plan we are going to melt away. But I am feeling like that right now! I can't find something that will give me and my husband and our family direction. Are we meant to even be still pursuing motorsport dreams for ourselves or even our kids!? God. Can you please bring some clarity here!?

I have been following Lana Vawser, a prophet that blogs on Women of Impact Ministries. She is amazing. And so many of her words have been speaking such hope to my life. But even tonight when she posted THIS amazing word about overcoming disapointment, and when I randomly flipped open a page of my son's devotional, and it fell open at one on disapointments, I still am struggling...
"...I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed." Isaiah 49:23b
I have SO SO much to be thankful for. I really do. So why so downcast, oh my soul!?
Because I haven't got what I wanted and was hoping and praying for too.
I also don't have anything in it's place. Just more of the same.
But I am SO ready for a new season. I don't want to have to deal with the disappointment that I am feeling right now. I wanted to have something to work towards, wait on, pray into and be excited about. But I feel so emptry. I had delt with that for so long while we were coasting along. Then this recent opportunity gave me hope. Now I feel so out of sorts... I need to remember these verses, and so I am sticking them here (Because yes, I google myself when I need to read what I have put out there!):

My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” –Isaiah 55:8-9 
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” -Jeremiah 29:11 
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18 
Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. -Psalm 30:5 
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28 
Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. -Psalm 55:22 
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. -Philippians 4:6-7 
Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. -Psalms 27:14 
This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:24 
Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Ephesians 5:19b-20 
Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. -Isaiah 40:28-31 
For I can do all things through Christ, who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13

So here I am. I feel that this is a modern Psalm. I have had my whinge, now as I pack up and get ready for bed, I realise that the parting words I must leave are the God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. I am so blessed and I need to hang on. He will come through for me. He is taking care of me. He is here with me right now. His promises are sure. I will never really be disappointed.

So now to feel that peace that passes understanding - because I am leaving it all in his hands. I have literally come to the end of my rope and there is nothing I can do to change my destiny. It is all in his hands...


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Tuesday, 30 May 2017

The pep talk...



So today we decided to do something we have wanted to for a really long time.  But I can't tell you what...yet.  Just know that I gave this pep talk in all it's glory minus the table dancing...  And watch this space! 
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Saturday, 14 January 2017

Getting my "House" in order

I have an inner compulsion. Every time I was to embark on a new task or project in my life, I want to record it,.. share it... maybe it is my inner narcissist, maybe I am really a Millennial. But either way I think when I go into something I throw myself all in and then want to share the fruit of what I am trying to achieve... and there is a really good incentive in it. Accountability. I feel like if I share the journey I am more likely to stick to it. So, even if no one reads it, here lies the remains of my attempt to get my life and household in order. And what better time to start then after New year!?

This doesn't mean that this space will be turning into a housekeeping blog. By household I mean all the elements that make up my family life. The kids themselves, the house, the activities that we want to be a part of and the friendships and family that we want to sow into and grow. So I figure as the pre-planner that I am (but the poor follow through or finish up-er!), the best place to start is to break down the areas that need the work and then attempt to tackle them. I won't pretend that everything I come up with is my own ideas. I have spent lots of years reading and preparing and even trying the things that I am going to throw my efforts into this year. It is just now I want to make them a reality. I am sick of waiting for another day.

I know that I struggle to work out how much money we have left at the end of each month after the regular bills are paid. I struggle to keep anything back for savings to help us reach our goals (ie; to get the racing car fund going again!!!). I know that I struggle to get motor-vated to clean the areas of the house that will free me from sacrificing weekend after weekend trying to set things right again (Goodbye weekends down at the race track!). I know I need to get my butt into gear and be fit and healthy for the long haul (And so that I fit back into a race seat again... sadly there is a super-fats category but no super-fat race seats!). I also know that I need to start having fun and enjoying everyday life - and that includes time managing but also working on my attitude!

So here goes... I am going to road test some ideas, perfect some and create some resources to help and motor-vate others. This will be a bit of a dumping ground for these things so that over time one area or all of them might be shaped into something else... wouldn't that be awesome if through this I find a calling to help people in an area of their lives!? And ultimately I am hoping that it will serve and help my family. We desperately want to be back in the racing world but there is lots standing in our way. Between God and my effort in these areas, I am hoping that we can get back there one day!

So stay tuned for PART 1: Financial Dreaming...
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